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https://www.gofundme.com/help-kim-please-read-this

Above is the link to the Go Fund Me Page my friend Lizzie started!

 

I am getting ready to deal with another round of cancer again and will know in July what is going to take place. Being independent and being able to drive myself around to appts and just to the store or to get out will greatly help.  Every penny, any amount no matter the size will be helpful to me and also so I can help others who struggle getting around here.  Transportation in town is unreliable and being disabled as a lower left leg amputee, driving a good car without too much stress would be a huge blessing! Please share and please know how much it is very much appreciated.  I have struggled with cancer off and on for 7 years but still fight to stay strong and have a better life for myself someday.  Maybe I have encouraged you in some way.  I hope.  Just stay strong and fight and keep a smile going on that face! Thank you for all the blessings and prayers!  🙂 Kim Ousley

 

 

One thing I have learned…sometimes its better to wait.  We don’t need to always rush through decision making or be impatient for test results.  Sometimes God works miracles in the waiting.  Sometimes He wants us to wait so we don’t rush into something that wasn’t meant for us in the first place.  I’m not always patient and I know it.  However, when I went through cancer the first time and had to be in a wheel chair for six months, I learned how to either get out of my own way or find a solution or another way.

Right now, I know the waiting is hard for me.  But I also know what to kind of expect.  Is the cancer back? Probably.  Has it spread? I hope not.  One lump in the same place the last two were located except chemo and radiation might not have worked.  Maybe its just a swollen gland or something.  Maybe its the cancer.  I hope not.  Right now, I already know that they will schedule surgery at some point later in July or early August to remove it to find out for sure.  Not looking forward to more surgery.  Nor any type of chemo or radiation.  But if its not spread maybe I’ll make it through this in a calmer and more peaceful manner.  But there will be days I might just throw a little silent fit and cry and get it all out and then breathe.  I trust in the Lord with all my might and faith.  He got me this far.  He knows my future.  I shall have to trust Him and believe He will get me through whatever happens.

 

Boundaries vs Walls

Many times in my 50 years of living on this earth, I have endured being drug through the mud as a scape goat and bullied by those who were confronted by their behavior.  It is sad that people will do whatever to cover their tracks even if it means slinging mud and name calling other people.  Truth will set you free.  But it will not get you out of trouble or consequences.  I refuse to be a pawn in a game I didn’t sign up to play.  Luckily, those who know me, also know I don’t put up with much these days.  Drama has no place in my life.  If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get the same results.

Love is Patient and kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  Love does not demand its own way.  Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will all disappear.

Now we know only a little and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.

It’s like this.  When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does.  But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.

There are three things that will endure-faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love. nlt 1 cor. 13.

 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  philippians 4:6-7.

 

I cling to this verse today as I have to start a new chapter in my cancer journey.  I found another lump in the same spot the other two tumors were removed over the past few years of this cancer journey.  July is Sarcoma Awareness Month.  Please were a pretty shade of yellow for me and all the other sarcoma patients and survivors.  I see the radiology oncologist on July 5th and get a ct scan before I see him.  Then I will schedule to see my oncologist and orthopedic surgeon after that.  I’ve been cancer free for just over 2 years.  I thought I was clear and free.  Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst.  Seven long years off and on again with this synovial sarcoma.  But I press forward and through as always.  Prayers, good thoughts, whatever you believe, make it positive for me.  Thank you.

Plans for a Future?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31

 

Plans.  We make them.  We break them.  We avoid them.  We strive toward them.  Plans for the day, week, or year.  Plans for the near future.  Plans for the future yet to be so far down the road.  Plans.  We make them.  God can change them.

What do we do when plans change without warning?  Or, against our will?  What do we do when we keep trying to make plans but they keep falling through?  Do we just give up? Do we keep trying? What if those change of plans put us at a disadvantage for a very, very long time?  How do we plan then?  God only knows.  He knows our future.  He knows when to step in and when to step back and let us make choices.  Our choices can be derailed.  Our decisions can be challenged.

I didn’t plan on being raised in a highly dysfunctional family dynamic.  I didn’t plan on becoming a divorced single parent.  I didn’t plan to continue to struggle constantly.  Be talked about and judged for every breath I took, everything I did, and everything I didn’t accomplish.  But, I kept making plans to strive for more, strive for better.  Sometimes I had to play their game to not let them do me in.  Boy, did that make them mad.  More chatter, more talk.  More untruths.  More exaggerations.  But I did it.  I survived it.  I moved on.  Others didn’t.  You see what you want to see.  Choices.  Plans.  Survival.

Then one day, you reach new heights.  You reach some of your goals.  Your plans.  But, something stronger comes along and knocks the wind out of your lungs.  Takes away a few things.  Tries to kill your dreams.  Tries to keep you from living your life to the fullest.  Wants you to give up and give in.  The loneliness, the isolation.  The crowds.  The overwhelming weight of everything.  But, you get back up, slowly, very slowly.  You learn to stand again.  Maybe one leg shorter, a few years older.  But your plans.  They’re still there.  Still in your heart, mind and soul.  Nothing can keep you from wanting continual improvement and a better way of living.  Nothing can stop you from hoping.  Believing.  Crying.  Screaming.  Silently.  Nothing and take away your Joy.  God has your back.  He always has.  Even if it didn’t feel like it.  What has he done for you, they ask?  Everything.  More than you can even put into words.  More than anyone else could ever fathom.

Plans.  Hope.  Future.

http://www.youcaring.com/kkousleycar

I am trying to start my life over after cancer and amputation.  Seven years ago I started the hardest challenge yet of my life.  I was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma, stage 3.  It was in my foot, ankle and spreading up my leg.  I had just took on  a job that I had hoped would lead to a career I had went to college for and was ready to start.  But, life had other plans.  Thanking God for healing that took place over time.  Dealt with three more tumors and surgeries and hospital stays and chemos, radiation and being bounced around a lot.  The last tumor was two years ago…radiation got the residual cancer cells and now I’m cancer free.  I’m so ready at the age of 50 to start over.  Somewhere else even if that is where I find a job.  Locally there isn’t anything left here for me and I’m ready to take the baby steps to go to work full time eventually and have the insurance I need to cover my prosthetic leg.  I am working on a memoir now to publish in the future.  Its hard to ask for help, but transportation for me without a car is near impossible.  I get tired of asking for help and having to wait and wait and wait and ask the same people over and over.  I can’t take the bus, taxi, etc.  Not possible both physically and financially for me.  Its time to ask for help, get a car and become independent.  Time to move where the jobs are and support myself.  I need your help and understanding.  Its is possible to start again.  For me it means starting for the first time beyond my past circumstances of being a single parent/woman and cancer survivor.  Its time…I pray and have thrown my fleece out there and wait.  Thank you to those who care and help.  Thank you to those who pray!

Snubbery

Sitting with a great friend for supper at a local restaurant, I saw someone from my past come in with their daughter.  I tried to say hi.  She snubbed me…it didn’t hurt, I wasn’t sad, and I felt happy I didn’t have to be nice anymore.  I know, it sounds terrible.  But it really isn’t if you knew how difficult this person has been with me in the past.  Oh, she will justify her actions, claim she did such and such for me.  But it wasn’t done out of love or friendship.  I realize how much I don’t miss negative, critical, bad-mouthing people in my life.  I’m a happier person for it.  We all have been rejected, snubbed, and had gossip sent around about us.  We’ve had people bring up their version of our past, one they didn’t personally have to live for themselves.  I brush off the dust from my feet and move on.  These people will continue to live in denial of their attitude, personality and critical ways.  These people have the need to make you look bad so they feel better.  I personally want to live in an environment surrounded by positive, healthy minded people.

I feel at my age that I do not need to justify to anyone who I am, why I do what I do, and my decisions in life.  I found out who were real friends when I went through CANCER.  Not the ones who created fundraisers or pretended to care, but the real genuine ones who held my hand and let me cry and say how I really felt without judgment.  Those who didn’t give up or try to go against my wishes.  Those who let me be me. And, those who no matter how busy their lives were didn’t treat me like a last resort or bottom of the rung decision.  Compassion…its free…not everybody is capable of it.

There are many things I do daily to bless or reach out to people.  You just don’t see it or know about it.  Its better that way.  Sometimes its inconvenient or untimely.  But God whispers to my heart.  And sometimes I answer to the call.

“A bruised reed He will not break.  And a smoldering wick, He will not snuff out.  Isaiah 42:3

My light is shining…you cannot put it out.  I will be a beacon to those who need it.